Thanks Denton

Lately I almost really miss Denton.  I spent a significant chunk of my life there - the significance being drawn more from the formative stage of my life than from actual years spent.  It's probably due in part to all the extra time I spend thinking about my sisters lately, combined with the ever-decreasing temperatures of The North.

But then I think of places like Beth Marie's, which is the cutest little old fashioned ice cream/soda shop ever.  They don't make 'em like that any more.  Let alone with German Chocolate Cake ice cream.  And New York Sub Hub.  And Recycled Books, Eureka park, Naranja smoothies, Piggly Wiggly, and even Fry Street (I definitely miss that most on Halloween).

Then there's the giant anatomically-correct jackalope that I used to pass regularly on my way home.  It's a barbeque-smokin', beer-pourin' thing I imagine.  But the best part is that I passed it parked in someone's driveway.  Thanks Denton, that made me smile every time.

Only two, only two... and Happy Veteran's Day

I can't wrap my head around being two instead of three.  I have always had two sisters to consider - always thought of things in three.  There are still three of us, yes, but for the rest of this here mortality I'm going to be stopping myself after every stinking time I'm like, "oh, and then Rach and Natti..."  Wait a minute, I guess I don't need to buy one for Natti.  Guess I don't need to make one for Natti.  Guess I can't send one to Natti.  It's downright inconvenient.  Oy.

On a lighter note, I helped conduct some of the songs at our elementary's Veteran's Day program today and while I was sitting, I happened to glance to a side and notice a butt.  Someone's younger (probably 3-year-old) sibling had managed to totally de-pants himself and was rolling around on the floor with his trousers around his ankles, lettin' it all hang out.  Well that's one way to celebrate freedom, kid.

Natti's Notes

Being Sunday, it seems a good time to post the spiritual thoughts left behind by Natti.  When my dad opened her desktop, he found a stack of blue electronic post-it notes.  Each one contained quotes/spiritual thoughts from general authorities of the Church, most of them from the most recent General Conference.  Here they are, typos and all (which indicate she almost certainly typed them in instead of copying and pasting):

I testify to you that our Father in Heaven loves His children. He loves
us. He loves you. When necessary the Lord will even carry you over
obstacles as you seek His peace with a broken heart and a contrite spirit.
Often He speaks to us in ways that we can hear only with our heart. To
better hear His voice, it would be wise to turn down the volume control of
the worldly noise in our lives. If we ignore or block out the promptings
of the Spirit for whatever reason, they become less noticeable until we
cannot hear them at all. Let us learn to hearken to the promptings of the
Spirit and then be eager to heed them.

if you ever doubt that you mean something to God:
1. he loves the humble and meek
2. he trusts the fulness of his gospel to be proclaimed by the weak and
simple
3.  no matter where you live, or how humble your circumstances, or how
limited your abilities...you are not invisible to Him.  He loves you and
knows your heart.
4.  what you see and experience now is not what forever will be.  you will
not feel loneliness, sorrow, or pain for forever.  He will neither forget
nor forsake.  If you but hold on...one day you will experience the
promises "eye hath not seen nor ear heard nor have entered into the heart
of man the things which God hath prepared for those that love Him.  

“Your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord … and are recorded
with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they
shall be granted.

“Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant
that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been
afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith
the Lord.” 

 
Let them seek for wisdom instead of power, and they will have all the
power they have wisdom to exercise.

The holy ghost satisfies and fills up every longing of the human heart and
ever vacuum.  when i am filled with that spirit, my soul is satisfied.  

The Lord so declared: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right
hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine
angels round about you, to bear you up.” 6 What a promise! When we are
faithful, He and His angels will help us.  

 
If you are carrying some burden, forget it, let it alone. Do a lot of
forgiving and a little repenting, and you will be visited by the Spirit of
the Holy Ghost and confirmed by the testimony that you did not know
existed. You will be watched over and blessed—you and yours. 

Natalie vs Chuck Norris

About four years ago my two sisters and I were sitting in church, on a day when Natalie was having a particularly grumpy/sad day, so Dory & I decided the best way to cheer her up was to make a somewhat irreverent list of Natalie-isms, a la Chuck Norris jokes.  Mostly we poked fun at her ridiculously good looks, curvaceous figure, and spit-fire attitude.

1. Natalie doesn't need the support of a bra, it's merely a holster for her favorite weapons.

2. Natalie's beads aren't crooked, they're cowering.

3. If you think Natalie's back is bad, you should see what's left of the horse.

4. A single smile from Natalie causes boys to sin; good thing she never smiles.

5. It's really not because of her back that she started wearing flats. Heels keep her deadly curves too blatantly within eyesight.

6. Natalie's hips are registered with the government as leathal weapons.

7. Gorbachev did not tear down the wall, he was just getting out of Natalie's way.

8. Natalie doesn't need to walk on water; she has her own floatation devices.

9. Natalie doesn't need to sleep all day, she merely allows the world time to recoop.

10. Gifts for Natalie are responsible for 50% of game console sales. The other 50% are defeated rivals.

11. Natalie doesn't date. She merely slows down long enough to let them bestow their offerings.

12. Although Natalie's desire to practice medicine is commendable, it would actually take four lifetimes to repair the broken hearts caused in 19 years.

13. Natalie doesn't need self control; her own body is scared of her.

14. Natalie's foot once twitched during a hymn, and all the men within a 10 foot radius suddenly started singin soprano.

15. Natalie doesn't really need make-up. She simply dumbs things down to protect the males around her from impure thoughts.

And the personal favorite of both Rach and me:
16. Natalie's string once popped during a concert, so she gutted a trumpet player on the spot.

Things I Learned

You learn a lot when a family member/loved one dies.  Obviously there's a lot of emotional and spiritual stuff, blah, blah, blah, but there's also a whole crap load of practical stuff.  For instance (and this is in no particular order at all):

Things that the family actually needs help with:

Funerals are expensive.  I don't care who it is, I'll be sending at least $10 to anyone I know who loses someone. 

Taking care of someone dying is bloody time consuming.  The most helpful things for people to do service-wise, other than food (which no one seems to have trouble thinking about), are things like:

        Just show up and clean.  Nobody feels like cleaning when there's so much to do & you really just want to crawl in a hole yourself.  Plus people are constantly coming by and so it's nice to feel like people peering in to find you wallowing in squalor that matches the way you feel.

        Take care of the dang flowers.  I now understand why people are always saying, "please do ______ in lieu of sending flowers.  There's a ton, you think they're lovely, you wish had time/cared enough to make sure the water hasn't either disappeared completely or become a smelly science experiment.

        Offer (sincerely) to help go through the person's belongings, or help clean out the house/apartment/shack they were living in.  It's overwhelming, physically and emotionally.  Even if you have a vehicle that might be helpful, that can make a huge difference.

Don't tell the grieving person what they're feeling/what they're going through/what they are going to go through/or in any way compare any of your experiences to theirs.  Be careful with this.  Everyone grieves differently and situations are hardly ever exactly the same.  I'm sorry, but your loved one taking their own life is very different from my sister unexpectedly passing away peacefully in her sleep.

That brings me to another point, think it through before you ask how the person died.  The family doesn't necessarily want to rehash the details of the person's cause of death with every. freaking. member. of. the. ward.  Even if the person died totally naturally, in their sleep.  Especially if you come across in any way as asking purely to satisfy the sensational gossip craving gnawing at your self-doubting, unfulfilled life.  If you're extended family, a close friend I've known my whole life, one of my few and dear close girlfriends, of course I don't mind you asking.  I know you're asking out of concern.  But please don't ask if you're the Relief Society president I've never even talked to before, or a random co-worker I've barely ever talked to and whose name I can't even remember while you ask me. 

For that matter, I really value the sleep I might manage to get on a Sunday afternoon much more than said Relief Society president fulfilling the "need" to visit me and see for herself that I'm really alright.  Death is exhausting.  It's hard to sleep, it's hard to eat, and the emotional toll beats you up physically.  I'm still trying to catch up.  And I still have to force myself to eat a lot of the time.  I still don't always sleep well. 

Last, I don't care how close a friend you were or weren't to my sister, don't insist on visiting my grieving mother, overstay your welcome, and definitely don't ask for anything belonging to my sister, even if you did give it to her.  Perhaps that's just a personal issue.  But seriously, the woman just lost her baby daughter.  Give her some space, no matter how nice she's being to you.

Food for thought.  Fortunately I can say these things because the few people who read my blog all fall under the category of close friends and family.  Next up, the Chuck Norris/Natalie jokes we made up to make her feel better and crack a smile...

Letter to Natalie

Dear Natti,

I know you're aware how much I miss you.  How much all of us miss you.  But I still wish I could tell you. I know I'm not the only one who is reminded of you by everything they see.  It still doesn't feel real - I don't know when it will.  The few times it has come close to feeling real I felt like I was in serious danger of losing my mind.  Your absence is the most all-consuming feeling of life right now.  The problem is that life itself doesn't feel real.

I wish I'd had a chance to hear your voice those last few weeks.  But you never did leave voicemails.  The irony that I managed to see all three members of the rest of our family this year haunts me.  My paranoia about distracting you or interrupting your studying kept me from calling so many times.  What a hard way to learn to ignore that sort of insignificant worry.  You can count on me endlessly interrupting you throughout eternity, that is if you can ever escape my hug, let alone my sight. 

There are things I just can't complain about to anybody else in the same way.  So now instead of people thinking I'm crazy for talking to myself, they're going to have me committed for complaining to what appears to be thin air.  Who will I go to Gruene Hall with?  Not that going to Gruene is a good idea; if I can't walk into the Disney Store without losing it, Gruene Hall is hardly a safe venue.  Hell, I couldn't walk into a Texas BBQ place I found today without leaving tear-streaked. 

Here's to you Natti - you better be livin' it up on the other side.  I promise I'll get back to the point of livin' it up here, but it might take awhile.  If I keep imagine how you'd be poking me and kickin' my backside, I might manage it.  I love you baby girl.