Prelude
My wonderful husband (with the financial support of both of our fabulous parental units) got me a used piano for my birthday. I knew what I was asking for when I asked for it - a sad sounding eyesore whose greatest hope might be to hold its tune for a whole year. That's the most we could possibly hope to afford as unemployed grad students.
The other problem in asking for this marvel was that, even after locating a piano within our budget and within 60 miles on the great expanse of Craigslist, we weren't quite sure how we would get it to our house. Then a seemingly great solution presented itself: old Kimball piano for sale, hardly been used, located about a mile from our church up the road, and they were willing to deliver.
There did not appear to be anything glaringly wrong with it other than it being massively out of tune and home to at least 15 cats for the last 25 years. So we got it.
Fast-forward to bringing it to our house and me immediately noticing that the accompanying smell was more than just cat: it was fossilized cat urine. Followed immediately by me trying not to vomit or cry and rubbing the whole thing down with Old English Lemon Oil, lighting several candles and going to bed feeling like an idiot.
Day 1 of Exorcism
I look up solution after solution online. Scour the internet. White vinegar comes highly recommended and I get to work using every rag in our bucket. Laundry necessitates a pause in the operation. I head to Wal-Mart for back up: Febreze plug-ins. If I can't defeat the demon, I will at least prevent him from possessing the rest of my house. Somehow.
Day 2
Pungent smell is still vomit-inducing. Having rubbed down the entire piano with vinegar, I proceed to remove the music-stand as well as the front covers. Some finish may have been sacrificed to the cause. Piano tuner arrives. Manages to get piano more or less in tune although he is powerless to remove certain screws to enable access to certain areas. Recommends spraying insides of wood with Febreze and closing the thing back up.
Day 3
Desperate and having called in remote back-up from General/Cardinal Knows-How-To-Get-Anything-Out-Of-Everything-And-If-She-Doesn't-She-Knows-Someone-Who-Does Mom, the General/Cardinal contacts her Reliable Inside Source. The Reliable Inside Source recommends 3 products: Nature's Miracle, Ozium Air Sanitizer, and an antiques/wood furniture cleaner/conditioner. After a lengthy search, I acquire Nature's Miracle Urine Destroyer Just For Cats and Ozium Air Sanitizer. I find myself with insufficient funds to purchase the cleaner/conditioner for the only immediately available source and head back to the battleground two-thirds successful. I will purchase the final product via the internet. Upon spraying the Ozium inside the top and bottom of the piano, we experience immediate relief. The demon is beginning to weaken.
Day 4
I continue to further enrage the weakening demon through repeated application of Urine Destroyer, focusing on its preferred headquarters: the shelf above the keyboard.
Day 5
The demon has finally begun a full retreat from its headquarters. I take sharp implements wrapped in Urine Destroyer-soaked cloth to grove along the front. Happy to report success. Instead I must now concentrate on the rear. Q-tips, vacuum, and gloves are necessary. I report success to husband later on that evening. I choose the unfortunate timing of during the closing hymn of a church musical performance. I say unfortunate because this was the exchange:
Husband: "We have to record the visual of this demon."
Me: "I'm pretty sure it has multiple heads."
Both at the exact same time: "And multiple penises."
Were forced to excuse ourselves to avoid disruption to the meeting.
Day 6
I realize the final stronghold of this demon may be the bench. After soaking it through with Urine Destroyer, I scrub the bottom of each leg. A thorough spray of Ozium to the inside weakens the demon considerably.
Day 7
Air is breathable, with only a trace of the demon. Almost pleasant. Still waiting for arrival of furniture cleaner/conditioner.
