Natalie vs Chuck Norris

About four years ago my two sisters and I were sitting in church, on a day when Natalie was having a particularly grumpy/sad day, so Dory & I decided the best way to cheer her up was to make a somewhat irreverent list of Natalie-isms, a la Chuck Norris jokes.  Mostly we poked fun at her ridiculously good looks, curvaceous figure, and spit-fire attitude.

1. Natalie doesn't need the support of a bra, it's merely a holster for her favorite weapons.

2. Natalie's beads aren't crooked, they're cowering.

3. If you think Natalie's back is bad, you should see what's left of the horse.

4. A single smile from Natalie causes boys to sin; good thing she never smiles.

5. It's really not because of her back that she started wearing flats. Heels keep her deadly curves too blatantly within eyesight.

6. Natalie's hips are registered with the government as leathal weapons.

7. Gorbachev did not tear down the wall, he was just getting out of Natalie's way.

8. Natalie doesn't need to walk on water; she has her own floatation devices.

9. Natalie doesn't need to sleep all day, she merely allows the world time to recoop.

10. Gifts for Natalie are responsible for 50% of game console sales. The other 50% are defeated rivals.

11. Natalie doesn't date. She merely slows down long enough to let them bestow their offerings.

12. Although Natalie's desire to practice medicine is commendable, it would actually take four lifetimes to repair the broken hearts caused in 19 years.

13. Natalie doesn't need self control; her own body is scared of her.

14. Natalie's foot once twitched during a hymn, and all the men within a 10 foot radius suddenly started singin soprano.

15. Natalie doesn't really need make-up. She simply dumbs things down to protect the males around her from impure thoughts.

And the personal favorite of both Rach and me:
16. Natalie's string once popped during a concert, so she gutted a trumpet player on the spot.